What could a 14-year-old boy 100 years ago in Russia?
In peasant families in Russia, children were very early accustomed to responsibility and systematic work: this was both the main issue of upbringing and the key to survival. Moreover, the…

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How to prepare for parenthood
- You sometimes publicly say that now you have enough skill to evaluate a person even from a photograph. Can you just look at a person’s photo portrait to understand…

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Interruption in communication with the child: a soothing timeout
Sometimes children do not obey us, and they have to be punished. A timeout is one of the humane options for punishment; in reality, it is interruption of contact with…

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Is it possible to raise children without resorting to punishment?

Is it possible to raise children without resorting to punishment? Of course, it is possible, but this path is difficult, requiring experience, strength and endurance. It is definitely impossible to rely on one unconditional love here. According to observations, good parents punish the child seriously only once or twice in life, somewhere at the age of three to four years, when the child tries the parents for strength. If this battle is won, then a good life and mutual understanding are again established, only
occasionally alternating rather with symbolic punishments. Once parents use the warning “One! Two! Three!”, Once a timeout without warning, sometimes they have to deprive something for the time of childish mischief – but all these educational measures live somewhere on the periphery of the relationship between parents and children, and in the center there is another: lively and warm communication, discussion of common topics, help with studies, joint leisure, sports …
Least of all is it necessary to punish those who are not afraid to punish, who can do it easily and effectively, but – but who is friends with children, loves children, brings up children to a greater extent by example and tells children with pleasure what they need to do, so that they are only proud and no one punishes them.
If a young teacher arrives at the school, she speaks to the children with a good voice and says that she trusts them, wants to be friends with them and believes that children should not be punished, with the highest probability it will end badly for her (and for the children) . Children will sit on her neck with pleasure, she will try to tolerate it, but in a month or two her patience will end, and she will fall on the children. A more experienced teacher starts simply by establishing a normal order and discipline, if someone wants to test her for strength – she will expel her from the lesson, but when the class begins to respect her, she will smile at the children – and soon everyone will understand that she is really amazingly warm and loving person …

Raising a child without resorting to punishment at all and never is unrealistic: not a single educated teacher will go to difficult children without the opportunity to punish someone once. The opportunity to punish is a manifestation of power, and people respect power. And the lower people are in terms of development, the more they respect power in the first place. Possibility of punishment for a teacher is the same obligatory thing as a police officer’s weapon. There will be no weapons – there will be no policeman. Another issue is that punishments must be adequate and effective. We’ll figure out?
In the ordinary mind, punishment is a mandatory and effective measure to restore order and one of the ways of education. In reality, everything is more complicated: as a method of influence, punishment is a simplified and less effective version of negative reinforcement, and ordinary punishments are more angry than educated. Possibilities for punishment are small: punishment can stop bad behavior, but it does not raise good feelings. The wiser a person is, the less often he is faced with the need to punish someone, the more opportunities he has to raise a child without resorting to punishment. Punishment is not a goal, but a means. If the tool is unsuitable (behavior and thoughts do not change or change in the wrong way) – do not use it in vain or to the detriment. If the punishment turns into an end in itself (relief of the soul of the parent, for example) – this is not a punishment, but a drain of aggression. The better the management, the less punishment. The higher the qualification of a parent as a manager, the better he knows his child and cares about his emotional balance, the better anticipates and prevents an undesirable situation, the less need for punishment, the more parents and children are friends, play, talk and share common affairs, in the process of which the transfer of parental experience to children occurs.

How or when can not be punished? When you are angry, I want to punish. But in some cases it is impossible to punish, because, apart from the bad, nothing good will come of it.
When and how can one be punished? Life punishes us for our mistakes, and that’s normal. Punishments cannot be too harsh – life is tougher than any punishment. The death of a child to whom the parents did not explain that they should not play with fire or try drugs is tougher than any actions of the parents who could and should have prevented this. Punishments cannot be too harsh – they can only be inadequate when they do not achieve their goals or achieve goals directly opposite. Adequate punishments that serve as a lesson are perceived normally and are simply necessary. And if you know how to punish cheerfully, do it offensively and a good result is obvious to everyone, then many will want to participate in such punishments.

Normal parents do not want to punish their children. Somehow stupid: I dreamed about children, I wanted to love, but here I just do what I swear and punish. The question arises: the child is not ugly or is there something to fix in me? Answer: even if “the child is not ugly” (this also happens), you need to start with yourself.

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