When a child lies to you
There are children who are inclined to lie, and there are children who are not inclined to lie. It seems that in many ways they are born like this: it is absolutely easy and natural for one child to lie, he is lying like he breathes, and it is strange for him that you need to limit yourself to some truth in choosing words that will benefit him. And another child to lie is just as painful as breaking himself, he has an innate sense of truth, it is difficult for him to lie and he believes others because he does not understand how to tell a lie. On the other hand, the role of adults is very significant: even some children with the character of honest angels begin to lie next to some parents, and stops lying next to others, because lying next to them is both impossible and stupid and inappropriate.
Total: if your child never lies to you, perhaps this is not your merit, but you are just lucky. Similarly, if a child is lying to you, do not put an end to either the child or yourself as a parent: this still does not mean anything and no one will establish the reasons for this. All that can and should be done is to seek solutions. In any case, for most normal parents, all the troubles with the lies of children stop along with the growing up of children, so do two things at the same time: calmly wait for a bright future and think energetically, think, think, look for the best solutions.
General recommendations first. First: do not organize provocations. If you tirelessly catch children on a lie, you can catch almost anyone, and if you catch and finish: “You’re lying!”, “You’re lying to me again!” – most likely, your children will give in to you and agree with you that they are pathological liars. Do not do so. Suggestions “You’re always lying!” or “Why are you growing such a liar!” – the worst thing you can tell to those you educate.
How will be correct?
It is right to start with the most commonplace – with a personal example. If you yourself do not like to lie and in your environment it’s natural to tell the truth, this is a good background. If the husband is cheating on his wife by meeting with another woman, and the son sees this, if the wife is lying to her husband that she has no money and she has nothing to put on, and the daughter is aware if you threw the hamster away, but say that “he ran away” … – in such an atmosphere it is difficult to tell children that lying is not good. Children are our mirror. Start living as decently as possible, at least in order to have less trouble from your own children, who will mirror you.
The following is a less obvious and psychologically subtle decision, namely a “positive translator”. If a brother and sister are sitting together at computer games against the backdrop of a strict ban, accusing them of violating the ban will only cause a lingering lie that “we didn’t come up at all, but now we just checked the mail.” Perhaps your personal confidential conversation with your son will lead to better results: “Volodya, come here, give you a hug, miss you and Nastya a day. Listen, is it all right with Nastya? Well, well … I saw you were sitting with together at the computer, and I think that you didn’t do it by accident. I know that she’s in a difficult situation at school now, she’s very worried, and it’s very important for her to be with you. When you are with her, I’m calm for her. You just follow so that she doesn’t get attached to games without you, she doesn’t need it at all. Will you follow her? Well, thanks. her dinner warm up! ”
And it doesn’t matter if everything that you told him about Nastya is true: he no longer needs to lie, and you have very beautifully given him responsibility for his sister. Well, good. Great wisdom in life is to give the child advance explanations of his behavior in difficult situations where he is not a liar, but a caring and responsible person. Sometimes children need to be saved, and sometimes you will come up with a beautiful explanation for the child’s controversial behavior better than him.
Remove the reasons for children’s lies. If the daughter looks at the answer on the calculator and is cunning that she considered the examples herself, do not rush to deal with her lies, first take care of teaching her to count well. If there are games on the computer and the children have access to them, then the children will play games at any of your requests not to do this: so that the children do not lie to you, clean the computers from the games and set strong passwords so that the children have access only by your permission . Do not forbid that you cannot control anyway: upbringing, like politics, is always the art of the possible. You can’t effectively ban – it’s better to allow it kindly. On the other hand, when it is possible to put a reliable barrier to the violation – put the most reliable barrier and an iron ban, and not just exhortations and soft requests. Dad does not have to be as gentle and understanding as mom, especially since a kind word and a gun, as one wise man claimed, are more convincing than just a kind word.
Thirty years ago, in the book “How to treat yourself and people,” I formulated: “They lie to those who are dangerous to tell the truth.” This is a useful consideration, but do not hope that if you never scold children for anything, then they will immediately and forever become honest.