How to prepare for parenthood
– You sometimes publicly say that now you have enough skill to evaluate a person even from a photograph. Can you just look at a person’s photo portrait to understand what his childhood was like?
– What’s the difference? It is important what the person is now. To know the past is what task? A study by David Myers, set out in his textbook of social psychology, showed that the events of early childhood have practically no effect on a person’s life, except when someone believes in this determining effect, remembers or composes childhood events, chews it up a little in the mind if not daily. Then real memories or imaginary constructions will determine human life, since this is not the past, but the present.
– In general, what is psychological trauma?
– There is no exact definition of psychotrauma. No matter how much I watched the special literature, I did not find clarity. We at the Psychologist have an article on this subject, there are five to seven signs. All of them are extremely blurry. You can interpret them as you like. The bottom line is that when a person encounters some kind of events, he begins to produce inadequate reactions, rather of a depressive plan, sometimes the head turns off, and regressive children’s behavior is turned on. For example, a child received a deuce. It would be adequate to scratch the back of my head, say: “Dad, mom, do not scold me very much, I’ll go to study.” Another option: you can cry instead of lessons and get your mom or dad to sit with you and do everything for you. But this is not a psychological trauma. However, a different scenario is likely. The child brought a deuce, and after mom said “so for the lessons!” Or God forbid she called a lazy person, he cries sobbing, he doesn’t hear anything and for several days he becomes inappropriately tearful, with a bad mood, who is responsive to any remark. Already after this, many parents say: “Why did you tell the child that he was unintelligible or that his daughter is fat?” Well, yes, she eats sweets without measure, but you insult her subtle psyche! This happens in those families where parents do not have authority, do not know how to control the child. In the families of the Old Believers, in the families of the Caucasian regions, what kind of trauma? At least one was fixed somewhere? You must behave properly, you must deal with younger children, if you are older, you must help your parents, for this be alert and energetic, obey the elders. Nobody will allow you to play sadness and sadness for more than a few minutes, and then along the way. It is known that all depressions and mental problems are typical for residents of cities, but not villages. The more civilization and comfort, the higher the tendency to depressive states. Let’s you go to the village, where there are amenities on the street, and there you can feel good. Tormented! The stove must be melted, cattle should be monitored, water should go, chopped wood. What is your sad depression? Alcoholism is possible there, depression is not.
– Then why does it seem from the outside that “trauma” is almost a central concept in psychology, psychotherapy?
– Talks about injuries began to appear in the world and in Russia no earlier than the 60s of the XX century. Prior to this, in the history of mankind they were not. Sixties – an interesting historical period, the time of hippies, rock and roll, the slogan “live fast, die young” is in fashion, it has become prestigious to be young at any age, the authority of adults and seniors practically disappears. Many works have appeared that criticize authoritarianism, including from older generations. It was claimed that we ourselves at any age determine our life. A categorical protest arose against harsh methods of education, and I will translate: against male education. The idea that women can and should have a decisive word in raising children has flourished and is rooted. Talking about injuries is a female theme, a female language, a female notion. Watch Soviet films, such as The Foundling. Remember how the brother of this radiant girl tells her: “I will unscrew your head!” Does she have at least something fluttering? Children clatter among themselves with might and main, and what, where there are psychological injuries? And if dad or mom raise their voices, then immediately grandmother or someone else will say: “Why are you causing psychological trauma?” And any child will now simply “get hurt”, make an insult, sad eyes, and then go into depression. One of my students tells observations of her children. My daughter went to the kindergarten happy and happy, but one day she saw a crying girl there, became thoughtful, and the next day she cried all the way to the kindergarten. Moreover, he crosses the threshold of the garden – there the tears dry up, and sobbing along the road. What only mom did not! In the end, my daughter said something like: “Mom, I want to cry, do not bother me to do this. You won’t distract me, you won’t bribe me, I want to cry! ”Only a woman’s heart responds to a sobbing child as a trauma. And what is crying at this time? Engaged in breathing exercises! Children love to move, children love to yell.