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What could a 14-year-old boy 100 years ago in Russia?
In peasant families in Russia, children were very early accustomed to responsibility and systematic work: this was both the main issue of upbringing and the key to survival. Moreover, the…

Continue reading →

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I don’t want to punish. What could be instead of punishment?

Normal parents do not like to punish their own children. Somehow stupid: I dreamed about children, I wanted to love, but here I just do what I swear and punish. The question arises: the child is not ugly or is there something to fix in me? Answer: even if “the child is not ugly” (this also happens), you need to start with yourself. So, if the child is not an angel and deserves punishment regularly, what can be in the arsenal of the parent, except for
punishment?

First: you can talk with children
Children, especially when they are very upset, do not always understand the conversation in a good way, but, on the other hand, if they are only punished and not talked to, they will never understand normal conversations. No matter how angry you are at the child, no matter how unusual (suddenly!) It is for you, you need to talk with the children! Normal relations with people, relationships without screaming and cursing, children learn in their family. Story:
“Now my sons (10 and 12 years old) play and teach, yes, they teach by their attitude – their 2-year-old nephew, my grandson. They communicate with him easily and kindly. They play merrily, laugh, – and how else to play? And if you need to explain something, they explain. A 12-year-old son recently says: “Mom, and Yarik understands everything if you explain to him. If I tell him that I can’t play with him now, because I need to do my homework and ask him to wait, he nods his head. ”

Sons did not see a different attitude towards children. Therefore, this is how they communicate with the baby.

And here’s another story. Sonya threw a full toilet paper into the toilet. I go in and she starts yelling: “No! No!” and by all appearance shows that she is not going to stop this business. And if I took the roll from her, if I said that you can’t do this – nothing but protest would follow. And I told her that if she continues to throw, then the papers will clog the pipe and the water will not be able to flow and spill onto the floor, wet the rug and Sonya’s legs. Sonya listened, thought, and began to pull out pieces of paper, saying: “Nenaaaa!” This is a good example when it was possible to do without a ban and the child made the decision himself.

Or, my mother writes: “My daughter and I agreed that if I scream, threaten, swear at her, she will remind me of the principles of upbringing. It sounds rush, those present are always in shock: Booger, and with a smart look:“ Mom, you read on the computer, you need to TALK with me, you can’t scream and scold me. ”

Second: reparation
It is proposed to think: is it possible in a situation of misconduct, instead of punishment, to resolve the issue by rectifying the situation? Indeed, if someone did something bad, nobody needs “punishment”, everyone needs something else, namely, to make the consequences disappear, he “did bad”, to make it seem as if he “did bad” – there wasn’t . Everyone needs the bad to be corrected or refunded! This is what is wonderful that can be instead of punishment: the requirement that the child correct the damaged or compensate for the broken. Sometimes it is possible.

In this case, even the traditional “stand in the corner!” takes on a different meaning. If a child in a kindergarten spoils another child’s toy or mood, it’s normal to put him in a corner, but not as a “punishment”, but as with the task: “You need to figure out how to fix what happened. As you come up, tell me!” It’s no longer offensive and understandable to stand in a corner, the more that, the faster you come up with a way to fix what happened, the faster you come out of a corner.

With older children, this method turns into the principle “You only spoil your things at your own expense – no one will buy new things for you”, and the very elementary “You dirty it yourself – you erase it yourself.” In fact, this is already a method of natural consequences. Mom writes well on this subject:
I’m always begging my daughter to go home after school, eat, change and in other clothes (easier) go play in the yard. They regularly “don’t hear me”. I lost track of shoes that were left without soles and heels (I played soccer), and recently came in my jacket as if she had turned a bucket of swamp on her left shoulder (fell …). I once dressed in ugly clothes and sneakers (playing football) at school, in response there were tears, a tantrum: “I won’t go like that, I’m a girl.” And she gave her the very jacket to wash – two hours of moaning and meditation over the jacket of the bath, the aerobatics was – to wash her feet (as Celentano pressed in the Taming of the Shrew). Yes, you can call it a “training”, yes, advocates of a carefree childhood swear at me, but if you don’t get this reaction from your child “got dirty – you erase”, then I will buy endless things. And the habit of protecting what you wear is, in my opinion, a very, very useful habit! How to brush your teeth in the morning (my aunt and uncle dentists recommend that!), How to wash hands before eating, how to greet neighbors.

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