What to do so that parental exactingness does not cause a child to protest?
The fact that parental exactingness is necessary, reasonable people understand, but many have a justifiable fear: Will the exactingness of parents cause a negative result in the long term? There are reasons for concern: there are frequent cases when children, having escaped from parental care and pressure, start off “in all serious ways.” At first glance, this seems logical: demanding is pressure, pressure causes protest. And when the children go on an independent life, they begin to catch up with everything that was previously forbidden for them and violate everything that their parents inspired them.
Yes, it happens that children, breaking away from the parental family, seem to forget what they were taught! They stop making bed and go unkempt in the morning, start to stay up late and get up late, eat sandwiches on the go and get carried away by the TV …
Can this be avoided? – Oh sure. It must be understood that this phenomenon has two different causes.
The first reason for this is not at all in children’s protest, but in their insufficiently developing good family traditions and in the lack of support needed by children to maintain their old habits. Children may like family traditions, but without the usual parental care, children may not be able to adhere to family rules.
It is known that the instillation of any skill occurs in three stages. Initially, parents educate children and infect with their own example. At the second stage, children perform everything under the supervision of an adult, who prompts and reminds you how to. And only at the third stage the child performs the necessary actions on his own.
While the children are near their parents, they get up and lie down on time, because there are parents and there is a familiar atmosphere of the family, where everything happens for a long time in the usual manner. And when parents leave the lives of children, children lose this atmosphere that organizes them and this support. When the children leave their parents, find themselves in a different environment or in the absence of an environment, then no one will remind them that they need to go to bed on time, that they need to do business, there are no people who will charge them in the morning and put them in for lessons. And in the absence of an environment that supports and organizes them with one of their presence, the program fails, the children do not have the strength to organize what they did with their parents. They behave differently not because of protest, but because of a lack of support. And if an environment is organized that helps them, they gratefully accept it.
In several families I know, parents agreed with their children as follows:
“Let’s discuss which of our common family traditions you would like to keep in your life. What time do you think is right to go to bed? What time to get up? (And so on, all the important points are discussed). Which of these points will you manage to follow easily? And where , you think you’ll have glitches? (points are discussed). Well, I offer help: every day in the evening before going to bed you send me an SMS, where you praise that you keep the daily routine. Well, you and my mother can write good words, we will be happy! ”
However, in other, more problematic families, there is another reason for the problematic behavior of children after children receive independence and freedom from parental requirements. If children of 15 years reluctantly walked at the prompting of their parents to brush their teeth, then, having left their parents, they will no longer brush their teeth. Why? Yes, that they did this for 15 years.
We will decipher: they do not just go to brush their teeth, but do it with a displeased face and internal (or even external) grumble. Doing exercises is emphasized lazily and displeased … What skill in fact do they reproduce and strengthen every day? They reinforce daily the skill of dissatisfaction with brushing their teeth and morning exercises, they daily reinforce their unwillingness to do this, day after day they form the habit of not wanting to do this.
And what to do in such cases? We will give a recipe, but not everyone can use it, but only smart, funny and wise parents. And wise parents do not just send the child to brush their teeth, but make sure that the child does it cheerfully and cheerfully. That is, for a better result, it is necessary not to reduce the exactingness for the child, but to raise it, expanding to the requirements of the correct format. And then you will succeed!
In good families, children are proud of their parents, they want to be as smart and strong as their father, and as beautiful and kind as their beloved mother. And all that is required of parents in such families is to be loving, caring and demanding, so that when they mature, the children tell them: “Thank you, parents! You not only smiled at us, you also taught us. ”