Let mom out of the shower
You will not like this article.
You will say that here the father is a tyrant and despot, and the girl is an unhappy victim, forced to endure the tyranny of adults. In the comments to the article, accusations are made that in such a family a girl will necessarily get neurosis, disruption, depression and grow up limp, not used to defending her rights. However, since I have the opportunity to observe this family and I definitely like the parents in this family, I inform you: now, six years after this incident, the girl Tanya has exemplary mental health. Satisfied with himself and his life, successful in all respects, a leader by nature, able to defend his borders perfectly if necessary, and at the same time a very friendly person … – we all would like suchchildren. Accordingly, your concerns that such a style of upbringing will create any problems and neuroses – these concerns turned out to be completely groundless.
Total: do not rush to swear. Thinking is better than swearing.
But what is the story? What is all the excitement about? So…
Dad, walking past the soul, heard the displeased daughter: “Well, mom !!!” (Tanya is 15 years old). He opened the door, the question: “What is happening? Do you, Tanya, have a requirement for your mother? ”Tanya:“ I just ask her … ”Mom (defending):“ Tanya first approached me quite normally and asked me to leave. ” Dad: “Wow! Tanya, when you get out of the shower, get dressed and come to me. I’ll ask you to tell me in detail what you asked your mother about and how you decided to do this. ”
The question “What is happening?” Do you have a requirement for your mom? ”- stopping the daughter’s unacceptable tone and negative reinforcement of this communication style. The upcoming conversation with dad even before it starts, when you need to think about this difficult topic is already a small punishment.
In addition, there is already training: the daughter is paid attention to the fact that such intonation is not just sounds, but intonation is demanding, and the question contains the task to think whether it is permissible to talk with mom in the form of requirements.
Entered the room: “Sit here on the bed and cover yourself with a blanket. You are after a shower. ” The village. “Cover up!” “I’m not cold!” “Cover up, it is not known how long we will have a conversation.”
Talking about a blanket is a concern, but not just a concern. If a person is given orders and he carries them out, he begins to listen and obey better. Plus, a hint that the conversation can be long – thereby prompting: “If you want to complete it quickly, behave wisely.”
Covered. “Tell me what you had with your mother!” “Mother came to brush her teeth, and I asked her to leave the shower …” “Take your time here. Why? What was the reason for this? ”“ I really wanted to … ”“ Yes, and why did you have such a desire? ”Pause …“ Well, just like that … ”“ Then listen. You offended mom. When people are friends, they feel good next to each other. I love our mother, and when I’m in the shower, and she comes to brush her teeth, I am pleased. I am always pleased when my mother is next to me. And when people say, get out of here, this is a manifestation of an unfriendly attitude. This is unpleasant for mom, and in our family this is simply unacceptable. They are closed and protected from strangers, but in our family there are no strangers. Yes?”. Pause … “Please apologize to Mom!” Apologized – good. “Go to sleep, Good night!” – “Good night.”
This is a showdown. Learning life itself – and the negative reinforcement of an unacceptable behavior style by the fact that talking on this topic is difficult.
The next morning they embraced in the usual warm manner. Everything is good!
Is dad right?
I think that dad is right and just fine. He spoke calmly with his daughter, he explained his position to her and was ready for discussion. At the same time, he was firm, as he insisted on the obligation of respect for his mother.
As for whether children have the right to their territory and their borders, I can share my thoughts with you. Of course, CHILDREN HAVE THE RIGHT TO ITS BOUNDARIES AND TO PROTECT THEIR BOUNDARIES, here commentators are right. But then everything is mixed up … They are very worried about their personal territory and strongly insist on observing the borders next to themselves people of two categories – 1) those who need to emphasize their status and 2) people are very anxious. For more details, see the article Personal Space.
The fact is that the presence of borders does not mean at all that we are not letting anyone close to ourselves abroad, into our personal territory. Why’s that? Enemies – do not let. And we can let friends and loved ones go. About this, dad and daughter talked: “Do you protect your natural borders from strangers and enemies, but is your mom not a stranger and not an enemy? We treat our friends and don’t close the borders from them.” Yes?
Readers suggested that Dad had forgotten one important thing: it would be better to agree on the future, that before entering the bathroom, mom should knock on the door and warn her daughter. And, perhaps, it was from this that it was necessary to start a general conversation: at first – what was wrong with mom, after that – with what daughter was wrong.
What do you think?