What if the child does not hear me?
My middle son, Sasha, is 6 years old. He is a very smart and developed boy. He likes to spin around me, help, do something together. At the same time, it is very difficult for him to maintain order on his own. We have a list of morning and evening affairs, in which we mark completed tasks with asterisks. He appreciates these asterisks, he wants to get more of them, but does not make efforts to this.
He can easily do these things on his own, but he doesn’t. I have to remind him – and then he turns on the “Durik” mode, as if he does not understand anything. His eyes are absent-minded, absent, slow movements, kind of bored (he often has such a state, in response to some of my requests). Even a simple request (for example, to lift a stub thrown on a carpet) he fulfills only after a few reminders. My instructions work very poorly, I have to switch to a cry in order to achieve at least some result. I must say that Sasha behaves differently with dad – he listens from the first word.
The older brother manages the same to-do list on his own without any reminders and scandals.
At the same time, Sasha also has another condition – active, adult, conscious. It arises in some random way, and then he can do a general cleaning of the apartment of his own free will, while he responds to any request and offers help himself.
How can I learn to translate it into this active state? How to achieve independent performance of elementary affairs?
The main request of the client is to achieve obedience, i.e. so that the child fulfills his duties and instructions of the mother. The remedy for this (intermediate result) is the active, concentrated state of the child (living eyes, general body tone, clear movements).
You can approach this request from different angles. Firstly, there is a psychological solution, but there is a business one. Secondly, there is a solution to today’s problem, but there is a solution for the future.
A psychological decision is the acceptance of this situation for granted. This is a work with the feelings of the mother and her attitude to the situation: to unfulfilled affairs, to a lazy child, to disorder in the apartment. In the current moment, exercises Good and Calm presence will be useful. For the future, you need to work with the beliefs and levels of Dilts.
A business decision is a decision aimed at the result. It can be achieved in four styles: as Silovik, Dushka, Tactician or Manipulator.
The style of the Silovik is a direct look, a restriction of freedom and a commanding voice that cannot be disobeyed. First of all, you need to establish eye contact – the child’s attention to the words of the mother will immediately increase. If necessary, the child can be hugged tightly so that he does not run away. After that, in a firm, non-objectionable voice, voice the demand.
For voice training, it is useful to do the exercise “Haaaa” several times a day: inhale with your stomach, then exhale sharply with your muscles in the diaphragm, while the sound is loud, pointing upward to the crown.
Silovik’s style also involves the imposition of sanctions for failure to comply with cases or disobedience. (It is better that sanctions be useful, such as exercise).
In the future, you need to think about the question, should the son obey his mother in other matters more complicated than fulfilling his duties? What tasks, in addition to cleaning, should mom pay attention to? Is it permissible to give my son freedom of decision-making in some matters? In what? How will this affect the son’s performance of his duties?
Dushka’s style – make routine business interesting. In the current moment, this means doing things with him, turning it into a game. You can come up with a story about a dragon who, with his fiery breath, will burn all the toys that lie on the floor … or drag a naughty child to the top step of the stairs … or about germs that crawl out of the stubs to reach a person and eat him …
It is important here not to get carried away, because in the future it will be difficult for the son to carry out uninteresting tasks, even if they are necessary.
Style Tactics – use assistive devices to raise a son. Transfer the reminder and control function to the elder brother: designate him as the main and responsible for Sasha’s results.
In the case when you need to collect the attention of your son right now, eye exercises are suitable: ask the child to follow his eyes for the movements of his mother’s hand or marker.
In the long term – for the development of concentration of attention and discipline, you need to send Sasha to sports, preferably martial arts, where the coach will be a strong and significant figure.
Manipulator style combines all of the above methods used implicitly. In addition, you can vigorously praise your son for accomplished tasks, exclude conflict genes from your speech, use Plus-help-plus, positive suggestions, increase the amount of bodily contact with your mother.
Experience using the above recommendations
The first thing I did was increase the amount of bodily contact with the child.